It’s something you can’t know about until you’re actually there, staring down that long passageway at the waiting darkness. They say there’s a silver lining to every cloud. But sometimes when it rains, it just pours, and sometimes there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
The light goes out when you reach a kind of point of no return. Most of the time, problems pile up at a regular rate and you sift through them and handle them one at a time and you can see the bottom if you squint hard enough. But every once in a while – or maybe just once in a life time – the pile becomes too high. It buries you. You can’t breathe, you can’t move, you become tired, and you give up. That’s when the light goes out. That’s when the silver lining around the cloud just becomes a blurred vision of yet more rain.
I know that now.
I know what it feels like when life spins out of control. I’m the most vice-less person I’ve ever known. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t take recreational drugs. I am a vegetarian and I take my vitamins. I always wear my seat belt. And yet, at this moment, I am realizing that there are probably coke addicts out there who have more power over their hourly existences than I do.
That sucks. It sucks to squint as hard as you possibly can and still not see that silver lining or that bottom of the pile or that light at the end of the darkness that guides your way. You literally don’t know what to do any longer. Where do you start at the beginning of each day? What do you try – and fail – to tackle first? It really sucks. But you know what sucks even more?
I think I hear a train coming.
I’ve been there.
I take a breath. Then maybe another one. I give myself small goals, like getting out of bed. Success? Take a shower. Success? Next thing. Not ready to shower yet? Do something else and come back to it. Treat every moment of your day that way: one thing at a time. Don’t worry about the rest until you’re there. Read a book. Take a walk. Talk to a friend or family member. Indulge yourself doing something you like to do. Whatever stressors are pressing down on you will still be there later, but taking some time for yourself can refresh you and clarify matters, give you new perspective and energy for tackling the problems.
None of us can control everything. A lot of the time the things we think we can control… we can’t. It sucks, especially when you like to have control of things.
Whatever it is, you’re not alone.